already, 2011 has been very self reflective for me. being a teacher, you'd think that this was nothing new. however, reflecting upon yourself as a person and trying to figure out why you're doing the things you're doing and why you want what you want is very different from "how can i teach that better?" it's much more humbling to analyze decisions and justify actions or feelings.
the big question for me right now is, "what next?" it's that time when we must decide if we are staying here at IST or moving onto new things. after weeks of worrying and stressing about where i should go and what i should do, i'm over it. not in an i-don't-care kind of way, i'm simply over stressing about it. i've stopped worrying because there are so many opportunities for me and i've finally realized that this is a good thing! it's not about should, it's about could; where could I go next year, what could I do. why stress when no option is really a bad option?
as part of my thought process on the question of "what next?" i have spent a lot of time weighing the pros and cons of all options and this has been far from simple. it seems that everything i do here in trieste (and in my travels) has some major significance to my personal growth. is that how it's supposed to be? am i about to write the next eat, pray, love after "finding myself" here in italy? or should this overthinking be attributed to 'the trieste effect?' in jan morris' trieste and the meaning of nowhere (which i'm currently reading), she mentions that the city causes one to constantly ask questions of oneself. because of its isolated location and confusing history, the city seems to be stuck in limbo which makes residents (especially temporary residents) constantly ask themselves, "what am i here for? where am i going?" she says that the city has "a particular influence upon those of us with a weakness for allegory ... those of us who suppose everything to mean more than it has any honest claim to mean." this is the trieste effect and i believe it is plaguing me; apparently i have a weakness for allegory.
especially with this major life decision, i'm doing my best to adapt to the culturally italian idea of not having a plan, just waiting to see what happens. i'm parting with my type-a "planner" ways and learning to live with the ever present, vediamo, or, "we'll see!" while i do have some semblance of a plan for next year, it's about as vague as any plan can be -- it's very "big picture" while i'm used to focusing on the details. the plan, essentially, is to not have a plan. to just wait and figure things out as the chips fall.
so, what's next in my version of the real world?
ma, chi sa? vediamo...
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